hbilly's LiveJournal

HYPER SPACE (1989)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

A company specialized in dumping atomic waste in space encounter betrayal and death on their latest mission.

There isn't really much plot here as the makers where only trying to copy Alien and Aliens on a $150 budget. So basically we get a bunch of C-Actors walking on a very limited set talking about retirement. One tough Military-like lady spares a tender moment exposing her boobs. One crew member (Superfly's Ron O'Neal) is killed by its own unidentified pet and another (Don Stroud) might be a cyborg. The rest is filler moments of brawling usually involving Crap-fu maestro Richard Norton - well known amongst martial arts connoisseurs for getting his ass kicked on a regular basis by Cynthia Rothrock. So stupid it's almost funny: after hyper sleeping for eight months the crew is shown working out in the space crafts own little gym. The emphasis is on little. I'd say about 3 x 3 square meters.

Stuff: decapitated head toss, shaving in space, fistfight.

RED SANDS (2009)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Rust in the Wind: U.S. soldiers on a mission in Afghanistan disturb a slumbering Djinn causing guilty encounters of the deadly kind born from recently committed war crimes.

This Face-Your-Sin-And-Fear spookshow with a sandy setting is technically a handsome production, except for the usage of bad CGI (1/5 cheese) save for one cool animated creature with not enough screen time. The rest is pretty much standard fillers occasionally rising into muddled mess oblivion leaving the viewer shrugging. Director Alex Turner did much better with Dead Birds (2004) but I still have faith that his next project won't be that bland again.

Stuff: rape attempt, deadly Fata Morgana, sex-mare, nightmare, flashback, sandstorm, stabbing, shooting, shouting, swearing, explosions, ham radio-fu, visions.

SHOCKER (1989)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: FORGET IT

The renegade spirit of a limping serial killer is causing all sorts of trouble. It has the gift to possess people or to plug in the power supply system. Adopted football hero Jonathan Parker (Peter Berg) appears to have a psychic dream connection with the supercharged killer Pinker (Mitch Pileggi) and soon enough they will both battle it out live on TV.

Wes Craven's wretched attempt to create a new Freddy Kruger franchise fails miserably on all accounts. Bad dialogue, awkward scenes, annoying genre jumping - Shocker could have been a fun ride but it remains trapped in dullness.

Stuff: whispering guiding spirit, chase through TV land, remote control-fu, continuous brawling, football practice, dissolving ghost kids, lip-stretch, talking ghost mouth, excessive channel switching, satellite dish zapping, nightmare, stabbing.

PREY OF THE JAGUAR (1996)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: FORGET IT

Death Wish of a Superhero: Bad guy Bandera (Trevor Goddard) murders undercover agent Derek's family. Derek (Maxwell Caulfield) changes into crime fighter Jaguar created by the imagination of his now dead son. Before kicking ass Derek must first learn to tame the rage at Master Yee's, but after finalizing there is no holding back.

"Welcome to the 90s"

Homoerotic sleaze maestro David DeCoteau plays it pretty straight in this Ninjafied superhero yarn fueled by vengeance. The action is gawky, dialogues are boring, the drama is lame and the martial arts not impressive. The only highlight is Linda Blair as an investigating Detective. The rest can be filed under uninspired Remo Williams knock offs. Skip.

Stuff: shuriken-fu, backflip, flashback, shooting arrows, ninja training camp, wise words, nunchaku-fu, exploding car, explosions.

ANGEL OF DEATH (2009)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

After a knife pierced her brain, Hit woman Eve (Zoë Bell) is haunted by past victims while making new ones.

There isn't really much happening plot wise. Angel of Death is all about Zoë Bell kicking ass. And she does that much. Beside good stunt fighting you'll get Zoë all emotional, crying and taking a no-nudity shower. The rest was some failed attempt at creating something cool. Filmed comic strip style with gliding panels, distorted images, over-the-top but still tame violence and a very Tarantino-esque score. For die hard Zoë fans only.

Stuff: puking, shooting, fighting, swearing, stabbing, throat slitting, stomach slitting, blood splatter, worst wig, elevator kill.

STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION (2004)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

An abandoned outpost on a windy desert planet becomes a hideout for a group of stranded Starship Soldiers in constant battle against gigantic killer bugs. Their shelter of hope turns into a cavern of fear when smaller versions of the bugs somehow use the bodies of the soldiers as obedient hosts.

Truth to be hold, this direct-to-DVD sequel won't rewrite history. It doesn't even come close in capturing what made Paul Verhoeven's original so great. Hero of the Federation should not be entirely dismissed though, as it offers good red juice splatter on a very limited set. If that isn't mouthwatering enough, the attached patching story is a solid bargain mix of The Hidden and Aliens done with grunting B-style gusto. But don't expect a marvel of corny filmmaking. Just lower (like, really low) expectations and enjoy. And yes, this is my first capsule review of a bad movie watched on Blu-Ray. The quality is pretty much standard DVD except for a few breathtaking HD moments near the end.

Stuff: killer kiss, bodies ripped apart, excessive needle injection, gratuitous shirtless shaving, electrified bugs, exploding bugs, psychic abilities.

THE STUFF (1985)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

A bubbling white tasty substance coming out the earth is christened The Stuff and sold as dessert. It's a big hit and people can't seem to get enough of it. Suspicious ex-FBI Agent Rutherford (Michael Moriarty) does the investigation and soon finds out that The Stuff is alive. It's organic, it's moving and it eats the eater. With disastrous results. *burp*

This is what you get when you cross The Blob with Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. The Stuff is bad, smart, cheesy and funny. There are awkward moments and borderline stupidity but never to the point of annoyance. Craptastic satire and very underrated.

The Stuff: kung fu fighting, setting The Stuff on fire, eating shaving cream, off screen puking, rampaging kid at supermarket, severed body, shattered heads.

Feature 1:
MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY (1985)
IMDb / YouTube

Kevin (Michael Sopkiw) is an adventurer on an assignment to study dinosaur bones in the Amazon at a place called Dinosaur Valley. Joining Kevin is an anthropologist with his daughter, two fashion models, another couple and some random guy bound to die soon anyway. Before heading into the jungle Kevin is getting his ass kicked first by two brothers in an all out hotel lobby brawl, followed by the powers of healing sex with one of the fashion models. After crash landing the plane in the middle of nowhere the survivors decide to find a river which might lead to civilization. Their journey is interrupted by savage tribesmen, hungry piranhas, leeches and the occasional slithering snake. But a much more deadlier fate awaits in form of China (Andy Silas) - a ruthless criminal running a mine and in need of hard working slaves and willing females for pleasure.

"You fat smelly evil bastard"

Italian jungle-ploitation advertised as Cannibal Ferox 2 in some countries. There is gore but the makers were obviously aiming for the mainstream crowd. A crowd that also appreciates more nudity and sex than found in your average adventure movie. Favorite character? Betty. A white version of Grace Jones made up like Marilyn Monroe.

Stuff: quicksand, piranha attack, primitive ritual, boob clawing, crotch kick, rape, female sex, boobs, lobby brawl, stream brawl, slapping, bamboo cage torture, pig pen terror.



Feature 2:
CUT AND RUN (1985
IMDb / YouTube

Cable Video News reporter Fran (Lisa Blount) dug up evidence that Jim Jones' right hand Horne (Richard Lynch) didn't die in the mass suicide back in 1978. Fran's boss (Karen Black) sends her on a mission to find and Interview Horne, who is running a drug cartel in the Amazons. Besides the Interview Fran is told to keep an eye out for Tommy (Willie Aames) as well, a American believed to be held captive by Horne and his obedient accomplices. Tommy should be easy to spot as he is prancing around with a Mickey Mouse (!) shirt.

"Life can be a bitch, man"

Ruggero Deodato's unofficial sequel to Cannibal Holocaust (1980) shines with good production values, well made gore and an all star cast consisting of Michael Berryman, John Steiner, Eriq La Salle and many more. Pacing might drag but the DVD comes with the complete uncensored version including the infamous body-ripped-apart sequence in all its glory details.

Stuff: boobs, topless dancing, Karen Black eye-fu, crocodile attack, decapitation, shooting, Karen Black screaming, snake scare, stabbing, guts spill, shower scene, forced sex, dangling dead body.

VIRGINS FROM HELL (1987)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Sheila wants revenge. Crime Lord/Sleaze Ball Mr. Tiger wiped out her family and took away her house. In order to get her belongings back Sheila puts together an all-girl gang of motorcycle riding virgin sluts (take that as you will). When attacking Mr. Tiger turns badly the Rambonettes are captured and held prison in an underground cell cave - tortured by day and injected with aphrodisiac by night. Mr. Tiger is about to take over the world wide Spanish Fly market by creating the ultimate sexual desire stimulant.

"Get off me, you Lesbo"

Hilarious exploitation from Indonesia about girls gone wild, girls in prison, girls in heat and girls busting out. You'll find all the Drive In ingredients neatly in order including the obligatory Lesbian warden and a few blood squirting fine special effects. Not to mention the girl's outfit representing corny but sexy fantasy fashion of its time. Worth seeking out.

Stuff: snake tweezers, human BBQ, barbwire torture, cat fight, slapping, kicking, barrel sucking, hot dog sucking, potato sack torture, shoot out, exploding motorcycle, bathtub torture, french wine torture, slow motion lashing, forced dancing to bad music.

TARKAN VS THE VIKINGS (1971)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Meet the players.

Tarkan: Proud Hun Turk with bad wig and revenge on his mind. Toro The Viking killed his dog Kurt 1. Now Tarkan is seeking out Toro with Kurt 2.

Toro: Evil Viking with bad wig and self-appointed King of the Vikings after killing the former Viking King.

Yonca: Proud Hun Turk daughter of Hun King Attila. Now a prisoner of Toro, and exposed to savage and brute torture including a hair cut Viking style.

Lotus: Chinese mystery lady. She renders Toro unconscious with sleeping powder and kidnaps Yonca. Has her big moment when torturing a tied up Tarkan whiles exposing her boobs.

Ursula: Blond daughter of some Viking King killed by Toro. She is captured and thrown onto a giant octopus by Toro. Twice.

Orso: Giant retarded henchman of Toro and Ursula. Has a secret crush on Ursula. Gets his eyeball gouged out by Toro's goshawk.

Kurt 2: Son of Kurt 1. Devoted dog of Tarkan. Kurt 2 can rip throats, climb walls, swim oceans and fight giant octopuses. He can also tip half naked Chinese women into pits filled with snakes.

Tarkan vs The Vikings is fun Turkish cinema with over-the-top everything. Surprisingly violent with decent blood letting and not really that annoying like most of the Turkish movies I have seen over the years on Turkish TV channel. This one has cult appeal. Things that Tarkan vs The Vikings taught me: women wore string tanga circa 1000 A.D.

Stuff: dog funeral, crying dog, bird decapitation, trampoline torture, stabbing, human decapitation, head split with axe, eye gouging, arrow shooting, axe throwing, sword fight, boobs, worst wig, flashback, reverse footage, speeded up footage.

FUTURE-KILL (1985)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Punishment for breaking rules: a group of frats must dress up and kidnap a random punk in a dangerous district of town. Not so happy about them intruders is Splatter (Edwin Neal), chief of some underground society and messed up due to radioactive exposure. Splatter is equipped with a spiked glove and ready to shove deadly pins into annoyance.

FUTURE-KILL has a reputation for reuniting Edwin Neal and Marilyn Burns of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE fame, and for the usage of H.R. Giger designed poster art. The rest is not very inspired, blatantly ripping off scenes from REVENGE OF THE NERDS with nods to THE TERMINATOR. I did like the New Wave ambience though and the fact that one of the frats resembled Jim Carrey in looks and behavior.

Stuff: neck-break, stabbing, stomach poking, human meltdown, street brawl, running, slut sushi, boobs, radioactive blow job, live band performance, pajama dance party, tarred and feathered, dildo joke, throat poking.

FLESHBURN (1984)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Survival mission: A Native American Vietnam vet named Calvin just broke out of an institute for the criminally insane. He wants to punish those for shutting him away so the vet kidnaps four psychiatrists responsible and sets them free in the desert - without food or water. Sizzle, baby.

How to survive in a hostile environment with up to 120°F of hellish daytime heat? FLESHBURN exhibits all the tips. However, since this is not a Discovery Channel production expect bad language, violence and drama. OK Thriller that could've used a bit more action but its good enough to kill 90 minutes.

Stuff: native American ritual, animal attack, leg-breaking, hole-digging, wildlife footage, stream brawl, scorpion-fu, bound & gagged, shooting, swimming, sun torture, scuffle, religious talk, screaming.

HYDRA (2009)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

The Most Dangerous Game with a twist: Rich people hunt human prey on an uncharted island for the thrill of it all. A bigger predator awaits in form of a giant serpent though - Hydra, the Greek legendary creature, is still slithering about with an enormous appetite. It got three heads to feed so them hunting and to be hunted are a more than welcomed snack.

Torn limbs and flying body parts dipped in blood, the usual grue swirled in a shiny and slick TV creation with lush CGI and cardboard characters spouting lines beyond good or bad. In other words, harmless eye candy with the occasional MST3K mock-opportunity.

Stuff: sucker punch, spiked leg, shooting, sinking ship, sword-fu, dumb blonde bimbo, rape attempt, tied to tree, cave terror, computer-fu.

CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (1980)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Appetizer: Hopper (John Saxon) just arrived in Nam per stock footage Helicopter to save buddy Bukowski (Giovanni Lombardo Radice) trapped by the enemy in a cage. After the obligatory massacre Hopper finds Bukowski gnawing the remains of a half roasted woman.

Main Course: Years later and Hopper is still haunted by the war. When Bukowski is released from the psychiatric ward he goes on a bite-happy chewing spree infecting people with a cannibalistic virus. Hopper, battling inhuman hunger himself, joins his buddy and soon engage in a war against authorities.

Dessert: Delicious Italian Action served with Horror. It is cheap fast food but easy to digest. Highlight include Hopper's underage and oversexed neighbor Mary trying to get her freak on and the movie's final taking place in the sewers. I should also point out the blaxploitated score. Good & funky.

Stuff: neck biting, shooting, street-fistfight, human flesh carving, exploding dog, woman in flames, guts spilling, gratuitous shirtless John Saxon, hair dryer-fu, belly biting, semi-sex at the Theater.

SURVIVAL QUEST (1989)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Back to nature: Six people from the city on a wilderness survival training trip must learn to bond because they can only survive in the wilderness as a team. So preaches their tour guide Hank (Lance Henriksen). Team spirit is put on the test when Hank is put out of commission thanks to another group of weekend warriors gone wild. Will our team triumph in the end? Most likely. This film is about bonding and team spirit after all.

Phantasm director Don Coscarelli's outdoors adventure about folks roughing it is fun and nearly flawless except for the usage of a few very corny lines that made me blush. The second half also speeds up the action unnecessary, like they were in a rush or running out of time. Still worth checking out though. I actually enjoyed this much better on my second viewing.

Stuff: worm eating, snake eating, bear wrestling, shooting, punching, swinging, climbing, swimming, running, hiking, jumping, crying, sliding, smoking, wound-burning, wilderness burial, throat slitting, neck-stepping, explosion, bitch slapping, far away boobs.

THE TOUGHEST MAN IN THE WORLD (1984)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Cleaning up the ghetto: Illiterate Bruise Brubaker (Mr. T) is luring young thugs from the windy streets of Chicago with basketball games. When funding for his youth center is cut short Bruise has no other option than to participate in a televised Tough Man contest. First price is $100.000, enough money to keep the youth center running for another four years.

Moralistic social drama with a corny message and heaps of comedy but who cares, its all about Mr. T anyway. Watching Mr. T slamming 13 year old punks against walls are more fun than anything. This made for TV production is also a nostalgic trip down memory lane showing embarrassingly bad fashion, cool breakdancing and we even get a theme song performed by yours truly.

Stuff: Mr. T-fu, Mr. T dating, Mr. T kicking ass, Mr. T sitting on alarm clock, Mr. T boxing, Mr. T training montage, Mr. T drinking coffee, Mr. T overpowered, Mr. T dropping cake, Mr. T preaching, Mr. T running down doors, Mr. T running through walls.

CAGE (1989)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Vietnam, 1969.

While trying to safe his buddy Scott (Reb Brown), a stray bullet pierces Billy's (Lou Ferrigno) brain leaving him mentally handicapped. Part of Billy's rehabilitation is reading a Bambi children book and Dr. Seuss.

Los Angeles, 1989.

What to do with a 38 year old 275 lbs heavy man with the mind of a six year old who loves to wrestle? Why, force him to fight in deadly underground cage matches of course. The crowd loves it, and so do Billy's new Mafia managers. Scott however is against the exploitation of retards and signs up for the rumble. Meaning, Billy will have an early retirement and the cruel ones will be punished.

Those who want to see Lou Ferrigno kicking ass should probably avoid CAGE. Lou crying and behaving like a little child sucks the fun out of anything meant to kick ass. For those in need of a laugh CAGE is recommended, if only to see Lou crying and behaving like a little child messing everything up.

Stuff: bad opening song, bad end credits song, early Danny Trejo performance, bar brawl, exploding bar, hotel room brawl, throat-stepping, pool hall brawl, blood spattered refrigerator, man on fire, Vietnam flashback, dead rat, roundhouse kick, head butt, car chase, Lou Ferrigno kicked in the nuts.

CAVED IN: PREHISTORIC TERROR (2006)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Euro Trash Thugs ain't playing. They hack, stab, and mutilate in order to get what they want. Ouch. Nothing John Palmer (Christopher Atkins) should be concerned about. Yet. John and his family work as tour guides somewhere in Switzerland. One fine day the Euro Trash Thugs show up and hire John so they can explore a salt mine with hidden emeralds. Once underground things get out of hand when giant prehistoric CGI beetles interfere!

"American women give me such a headache"

Solid B-Terror with C-Monsters and paper mache cave walls. Blood and exposed guts are plenty, acting is campy-good and the rest entertaining brainless fodder. Things that Caved In: Prehistoric Terror taught me: punching your boss goes without consequences.

Stuff: decapitation, bodies ripped in half, head butt, fistfight, zapping lazer gunz, cave-fu, bad Euro accents, exploding beetles, screeching queen beetle, beetle egg chamber, splattering beetle goo, hanging bridge-fu.

SCORPIUS GIGANTUS (2006)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Original? Gigantic genetic engineered insects that are part scorpion, water bug and cockroach crossed with human DNA feed on humans in an empty warehouse somewhere in Russia. A special military unit led by Major Reynolds (Jeff Fahey) is send to put a halt on buggin' bestiality but eliminating the enemy ain't easy when it's raining hindering body parts all over.

Plagiarism! This gigantic genre mixture got its ingredients from Starship Troopers and Aliens. The outcome is inexpensive action shot on digital video oozing with bad east European acting and decent blood spill. The critters are CGI with the occasional animatronic for close ups. All this is too bad to be good and not good enough to be enjoyably bad.

Stuff: decapitation, throat slitting, mutant chest shooting, arm wrestling, battle of the sexes, exploding truck, exploding ship, bloody shootout, fake crying baby, goo slapping, goo touching, hostage situation exercise, military-fu, flying body parts, blood splatter, shaken by explosion run.

NINJA IN THE CLAWS OF THE CIA (1982)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

The KGB are in knowledge of a new Martial Arts technique. In order to maintain world peace the CIA recruits a special unit of fighters so they can be send to Russia to diminish hazardous kung fu.

I didn't make that up.

NINJA IN THE CLAWS OF THE CIA is one hell of a hot mess. For starters we get Christian Anders, a schmalzy singer and Germany's answer to Bruce Lee. Anders character disappears after 15 minutes without any explanation. Then the movie focuses on John, a martial arts expert hired by the CIA to teach karate. John has trouble with Wong, a hot headed youngster constantly challenging John for whatever reason. In between we get scenes with a laughing Master doing silly and confusing stuff. Then there was Susan hired by the CIA for her seducing skills. Her Kung Fu is awful but she sure knows how to give John a blow job when he's in deep meditation. Which is the highlight of the movie and should be seen to be believed. John got the hots for Caroline though, but Caroline dies a violent death catapulting the on screen action to Paris without notifying the viewer. All of sudden John got two women with kids and even has the sex with one of them. The ladies die due to evil CIA interference and we are introduced to Dave, John's lookalike brother. Dave pretends to be John at some point but John is still around roundhouse kicking bad guys in Spain. But then again I'm not sure if it was John or Dave kicking about in Spain. It was somewhat hard to keep track, seriously. Either way, there's this big showdown at some airport and in the end the bad guys explode in their plane. What follows is actual footage of a real plane crash aftermath including a badly burned corpse!

Troma couldn't have done it any better.

Stuff: sex on yacht, romantic picnic, melon-fu, café brawl, kung fu training at the Eiffel Tower, Kung Fu on the streets of Paris, exploding jeep, exploding plane, switching poisoned drinks, boobs, CIA torture, rape attempt, gratuitous laughing Master.