hbilly's LiveJournal

Trailers of movies released on DVD in December:




Poker Run (2008)

Lost Soul (2006)

Run! Bitch Run! (2009)

InAlienable (2008)

Trunk (2009)

TRAIN (2008)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

American athletes (grappling) in Russia encounter painful death after boarding on a train.

It's torture porning again. Eli Roth's Hostel (2005) was re-written for Train that began production as a Terror Train (1980) remake first. I guess they didn't think that pulling rabbits out of a hat was all that lucrative. What is left are shrieking and moaning on rails drizzling with human leftovers. Women are punched in the face for brutalities sake, guys strip to show skin. Yeah, I thought that should've been the other way around too. Sadly Lionsgate didn't give us the original NC-17 version but for the casual torture porn freak without high demands it should be pleasing enough.

Stuff: saucy Russian disco, eye-gouging, weed smoking, truth or dare game, impalement, spinal column severed, castration, guts-pull, axe-hacking, mercy kill, golden shower, wrestling.

KAW (2007)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Mad Cow Disease infected Ravens are attacking a small community and the local Sheriff is trying to prevent further feathery disaster.

Obviously filmed before Bird Flu got popular.

There is only so much one can do, with a movie about birds gone mental. Alfred Hitchcock pretty much said it all with The Birds. Therefor director Sheldon Wilson, who once wowed critics with Shallow Ground (2004), adds nothing new except for R-Rated gore. Pros: Nice rural setting. Nice late autumn/early winter setting with a little snow and a crispy cold chilly atmosphere. Nice dark blue lit night sequence. Outstanding sequence with ravens attacking a school bus by throwing (!) little rocks. Well made CGI ravens flocking about. Well filmed chase through a corn field. Smart Rod Steiger casting. Cons: No interesting characters whatsoever except for teenage troublemaker Doris. Cliche Amish people subplot. Badly done CGI ravens flapping about.

Certainly not the worst but could've been better.

Stuff: showdown in diner, exploding fuel pump, exploding car, Rod Steiger hitting ravens with broom, dead cow.

DEAD MARY (2007)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: FORGET IT

The Big Chill meets Cabin Fever meets The Evil Dead? Seven friends vacationing over the weekend at some house by some lake are conjuring up dark forces. Now evil has its way by corrupting and playing each against another - jealousy, murder, mutilation, tears, mistrust, possession and sadness erupt. Nothing a good talk couldn't take care of though.

And talking they do. Much. Not only the living but also the dead. In other words, Dead Mary is one of the most boring horror movies made using an urban legend as a red herring. People do die and return from the dead, with ghastly make up even. But they talk like they have never been dead. And the living shoot the breeze about sweet nothings. None really has anything important to say so this whole talking business is so pointless. Stuff that should be branded horror is too little or less so yeah, fail again right there. For what a kind of crowd was this film made anyway? The "As The World Turns" conversation group with a collective boner for unscary horror movies? We will never know.

Stuff: drinking beer, casual discussion, bbq, sunbathing, talk of the apocalypse, tied up undead, undead torture, tied up girl, shovel kill, shovel beating, smoking weed, burning shed.

THE CAVERN (2005)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Pits of Horror: cave dwellers explore a natural underground void in Russia, which is inhabited by something big and nasty.

The Cavern was actually filmed six months before production started on The Descent so it's not just your average straight to DVD rip off. On the other hand, The Cavern won't rewrite history books either but it has a fun little old school type of twist, if one is willing to give it some attention and time. Getting there can be a chore as most of the movie takes place in darkness, which can be annoying at times. There is another reward at the end though, as in some of the most unusual end credits put together. If anything, its worth a rental for that alone. Goes well with The Cave (2005).

Stuff: blood splatter, falling mutilated corpse, cannibalism, camp fire story, dramatic flashback, cavern sex.

AFTER DEATH (1988)
(Onscreen Title)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Drag me to Hell and back: People exploring a tropical island encounter the living dead - resurrected by voodoo and hungry for human flesh.

This Italian Zombie-Schlocker is just a showcase for well made splatter and gore effects. The undead looks like rotting monks able to leap through the air. The exploring people are a cast of unknown actors with bad dubbing. Part of the minimal plot includes a woman returning to the island after barely escaping zombified terror as a child. Stupid and dull but also fun and entertaining when in the proper mood. Spotted: Dawn of the Dead (1978) scene thieving.

Stuff: face-ripping, blood spill, exploding head, burning zombie, blood splatter, voodoo dancing.

HYPER SPACE (1989)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

A company specialized in dumping atomic waste in space encounter betrayal and death on their latest mission.

There isn't really much plot here as the makers where only trying to copy Alien and Aliens on a $150 budget. So basically we get a bunch of C-Actors walking on a very limited set talking about retirement. One tough Military-like lady spares a tender moment exposing her boobs. One crew member (Superfly's Ron O'Neal) is killed by its own unidentified pet and another (Don Stroud) might be a cyborg. The rest is filler moments of brawling usually involving Crap-fu maestro Richard Norton - well known amongst martial arts connoisseurs for getting his ass kicked on a regular basis by Cynthia Rothrock. So stupid it's almost funny: after hyper sleeping for eight months the crew is shown working out in the space crafts own little gym. The emphasis is on little. I'd say about 3 x 3 square meters.

Stuff: decapitated head toss, shaving in space, fistfight.

ZOMBI 3 (1988)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Return of the Zombified ashes of an incinerated Living Dead Corpse: The flaky remains of a zombie infects a flock of birds with a flesh eating virus causing them to pick on humans. Results? People turn into undead meat eaters as well. A group of tourists and three soldiers on vacation must now fight for survival at an abandoned resort but - the zombies ain't the only problem. The military is killing anything walking on two legs, including the uninfected ones.

Lucio Fulci's grim apocalypse is an at times corny Euro happening with surprisingly tame cheese. Sure, there are the obligatory bad moments and lines but overall a decent but still not a 100% satisfying slaughterfest. Thumbs up for reaching at least 75% though.

Stuff: pulsating sores, blood splatter, acid lake, speeded up zombie attack, zombie with axe, flying zombie head, shooting, deadly birth, brawling with zombies, explosions, helicopter escape, bad radio DJ, self mutilation, mirror kill, stained bed sheets, injured leg.

RED SANDS (2009)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Rust in the Wind: U.S. soldiers on a mission in Afghanistan disturb a slumbering Djinn causing guilty encounters of the deadly kind born from recently committed war crimes.

This Face-Your-Sin-And-Fear spookshow with a sandy setting is technically a handsome production, except for the usage of bad CGI (1/5 cheese) save for one cool animated creature with not enough screen time. The rest is pretty much standard fillers occasionally rising into muddled mess oblivion leaving the viewer shrugging. Director Alex Turner did much better with Dead Birds (2004) but I still have faith that his next project won't be that bland again.

Stuff: rape attempt, deadly Fata Morgana, sex-mare, nightmare, flashback, sandstorm, stabbing, shooting, shouting, swearing, explosions, ham radio-fu, visions.

SKINWALKER: CURSE OF THE SHAMAN (2005)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

I Know What You Did In 1969: A group of kids unintentionally run over a native American with their car back in the 1960s. Many years later a curse is claiming the lives of those connected to the accident. College student Brooke is hot on the case, filming a documentary about kids recently gone missing but soon enough she meets her real mother and boy does she got a surprise for Brooke.

It's The Blair Witch Project revisited with a twist of the supernatural. Shot on video and quite the fun mess. Choppy editing, out of place music, overacting townspeople, cute but brief gore effects and cringe inducing drama. A little more of that and my rating would've been higher but as it stands, I'd say its still worth a shot.

Stuff: hand through chest, decapitation, suicide, goofy music, torn arm, blindfold-sex, slashed throat, escape on horse, crying cowboy, funny Johnny Legend, C&W performance, trailer trash mother, punk daughter, visions.

THE MAILMAN (2004)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: FORGET IT

The Postman Rings Thrice: A small town is pestered by a rude Mailman. He delivers open letters and damaged packages with a sleazy smile and comment. For some reason Authorities can't touch him so the Mailman gets to do whatever he wants. Things sort of escalate though when the Mailman takes a girl and her boyfriend hostage, but the girl's younger brother saves the day.

Shot on digital video thriller about a murderous punk pretending to be a mail carrier. He spends most of the time opening and reading letters and making fun of or tampering with its content. Boring. He also acts more like a bad cocky asshole rather than a psychopath which is a huge difference, so his antics get tiresome real quick. The rest shows a blooming romance between two young people filled with home made Modern Rock songs. Not worth it.

Stuff: boobs, shower scene, bubble bath scene, pool scene, stabbing, shovel-kill, parcel-toss, b&w opening, lame pranks, gratuitous lesbian sex scene, fistfight, at-the-beach montage, torture porn attempt, worst assassination attempt.

Coming attractions of DVD releases in November:

Contagio (2009)

ThanksKilling (2009)


Yeah, that is pretty much it.

WITCHHOUSE 3: DEMON FIRE (2001)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: FORGET IT

The Witches Of Yeastwick: Annie was abused by her lover Burke. Now she pursues sanctuary at her friends Stevie (Debbie Rochon) and Rose's house to recuperate. Part of the recovery includes exercising sorcery and conjuring up a witch (Brinke Stevens) to get revenge on Burke. But is Annie really the victim here?

Snoozy Charles Band production directed by J.R. Bookwalter. Not much happening in this Apartment 3-G yarn. The girls have no talent and there are hardly any special effects. Dismissed.

Stuff: fog, video camera-fu, chick fight.

MESSENGERS 2: THE SCARECROW (2009)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Deadly Harvest: Farmer John is in debt and the crops have turned sour. When John puts up an old scarecrow in his cornfield things appear to get better - at first. But soon enough the boo's are unleashed and John's cornfield becomes a haunted maze of terror: Mr. Scarecrow is made of black magic and John is caught in a deadly spiral of murder, lust and insanity.

Average DTV sequel with moments of unintended humor and a few dusty jump scares. John's psychological deterioration takes up way too much screen time while the plot gets even more ridiculous along the way. As in unknown ghostly kids appearing bleeding between the rows and oversexed bimbo neighbors soaking their bare breasts at the water sprinkler. Rental material.

Stuff: dead crows, attacking scarecrow, sickle-fu, road kill, rough sex, combine harvester massacre, barn showdown.

WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD (2009)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Criminals Vs. Hillbillies: A prison transport turns bad leaving a group of convicts stranded in the woods of West Virginia. Their journey to civilization and/or freedom turns into a grue-soaked march for survival when they are attacked by hungry inbreds dressed in outdated denim overalls.

Unspectacular is they keyword here, as in a tiresome plot and standard cliches. The gore is plentiful and fun, the mutant backwoods people are not. I think they used the same shemp over and over again. Subplot includes endless squabbling over found money and endless brawling for leadership. In the end faces are caked in blood and greed takes a final toll. The Blu-ray is an embarrassment of its own, providing the HD viewer with coming attractions presented in non-anamorphic widescreen and even one fullscreen trailer for the Wrong Turn 2 DVD. In other words, 20th Century Fox got it all wrong.

Stuff: boobs, impalement, body diced, face sliced, exposed brains, multiple head butts, freestyle wrestling, body slam, fistfight, exploding car.

TRILOQUIST (2008)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: FORGET IT

Greet siblings Dirty Angelina and Crazy Norbert - both are mental, mad and murderers. Now meet the puppet - a nameless dummy that might be controlled by Angelina or Norbert. Whatever. The threesome hit the road to perform a ventriloquist act in Las Vegas and thrill-kill a few people on the way. So far so shocking. Not. Triloquist is pretty much a flop on all accounts. The idea was to create something off beat and twisted but down the road its just a scruffy Natural Born Killers duplicate with a dummy thrown in for the creepy factor. The doll is actually kind of cool but the rest is crazydull with one of the most aggravating female criminals ever, Angelina. Trailer trash slut Angie is neither threatening nor menacing. You just want to ignore her or rudely push her away if you ever meet her.

Stuff: doll eye stabbing, doll tongue burning, mutilating doll with ax, doll having erotic dream, doll having nightmare, flying dummy, senseless ending, worst hostage, worst wig, digging own grave, multiple cold cocking, electrocution.

DON'T PANIC (1988)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: WORTHY

Red eye vision: Michael just moved to Mexico and is celebrating his birthday with friends, but things turn kind of spooky when a Ouija board is put to use. Soon enough one of Michael's friends are possessed by an evil spirit and goes on a killing spree. For some reason Michael is now able to witness the murders happen in real time through the eyes of his butchering friend via psychic connection. Seems like only an ancient dagger can stop the supernatural massacre.

This film is a riot. Don't Panic is a pretty lame Nightmare on Elm Street imitation oozing with hilarious dubbing and squirting blood to keep things juicy. Favorite character? Michael's mother. Some actress with the looks of Anjelica Houston playing an alcoholic. She appears to be proud of being one because she never misses a moment telling everyone. Most funny dubbing came from Michael's girlfriend Alexandra. Classic bad trainwreck noise whenever she moved her lips. Things that Don't Panic taught me:

- Nudity magazines will get you through any barrier.
- Breakfast in Mexico consists of ice cream.
- Students are banned from class if they are 10 seconds late.

Stuff: stabbing, having a good time montage, cutting class, humiliation at dining hall, puking, levitating.

BLOOD BATH (1976)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: RENTAL

Tales from the Film Studio: Makers of a Horror movie gather to tell stories of the macabre. One is about a magic coin sending its user back in time, another is about a martial arts expert meeting his doom, one is about a greedy rich person locked in his walk-in safe and finally one about a killer killed by his own killing device.

Most of the stories are about bad luck with a very long set up. When they finally get to the point the surprise doesn't have much pay off. The ending packs some sort of punch though, with typical and violent PG rated mayhem they could only get away with back in the 70s. So yeah, Blood Bath is a low budget anthology filmed on weird looking film stock hard to describe. Overall equally good/bad and worth a peek, but not necessarily purchase material.

Stuff: throat slitting, exploding bomb, eating money, jive-talking pimp-ghost, leg and arm amputation, kung fu fighting.

SHOCKER (1989)
IMDb / YouTube
cheese-o-meter ##### verdict: FORGET IT

The renegade spirit of a limping serial killer is causing all sorts of trouble. It has the gift to possess people or to plug in the power supply system. Adopted football hero Jonathan Parker (Peter Berg) appears to have a psychic dream connection with the supercharged killer Pinker (Mitch Pileggi) and soon enough they will both battle it out live on TV.

Wes Craven's wretched attempt to create a new Freddy Kruger franchise fails miserably on all accounts. Bad dialogue, awkward scenes, annoying genre jumping - Shocker could have been a fun ride but it remains trapped in dullness.

Stuff: whispering guiding spirit, chase through TV land, remote control-fu, continuous brawling, football practice, dissolving ghost kids, lip-stretch, talking ghost mouth, excessive channel switching, satellite dish zapping, nightmare, stabbing.

Bad trailers of (hopefully) badder movies released in October:




It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To (2007)

I Spit Chew On Your Grave! (2009)

Zombie Dearest (2009)

Black Devil Doll (2007)

Crazy as Hell (2002)